Jumpin’ In Head First

Some people are “risk takers”.  I’m pretty good at taking risks overall.  I don’t bungee jump but I do drive fast (according to my wife) and I enjoy doing different things.

There are risks… then there are RISKS.  And these vary from one to another.  What may be a big “R” risk to you may not be anything to me, and visa versa.

But I took a big “R” risk today.  It wouldn’t be for a lot of people but for me it was a RISK.

I just spent time re-reading some of my writings from the past few months.  Just as one sweeps their arm across a cluttered surface to remove debris, I had to do this before I started to read.

The debris I had to sweep to the side was my insecurity about writing and the embarrassment of awkward wording and bad grammar.  But once I brushed those aside I was pleased to find some nuggets of thought and the occasional sparkle of a well turned phrase.

I don’t know if anyone else likes it… but I did.  And that’s the important thing.

Side Note:  Just the above statement alone is a fairly significant step for me on this journey up the mountain.  In the not too distant past I would have never admitted that I thought what I wrote was any good.

Once again I must keep in the forefront of my mind that writing is not for anyone else but me.  But even with this fresh in my thinking the slimy arm of inferiority begins to reach from its shallow grave and try to capture me in its grasp once again.

The moment I try to write to appeal to others… the self is lost.  One loses themselves when trying to be accepted by others.

Personally, this is one entry that I hope not many people read because it makes me feel so exposed.  But… if you happened to have read to this point (thank a teacher).  Sorry for the poor attempt to lighten the moment.

But if you have read this far, I have to ask you a question.  What have you tried to bury but keeps re-emerging from its shallow grave?

I tend to believe that everyone has a makeshift burial ground close by where dead things are buried out of sight.

There, some things are legitimately dead… these are things that have been put in their place and possess no life to re-emerge to haunt us.

Other things are crafty, they pretend to be dead but wait for the moment to reach out and grab us when we least expect it or when we are vulnerable.

The most dangerous are those we naively pretend to be dead with the belief that doing so will remedy the issue.

There is a difference between pretending something is not there and ignoring it.

Pretending is the denial of reality and hoping that when you open your eyes again it will have disappeared.

Ignoring is intentional and strategic.  You know full well the presence of the issue but a decision is made to destroy by neglect.  You decide not to focus energy on the issue.  Putting energy toward something feeds it… positive or negative.

So I have decided to just ignore the old feelings that try to trap.

See you Monday.

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2 comments

  1. I have somethings in the shallow grave. (Thanks for that image-it works and seems true for me) Mine is performance comparison-constantly and everywhere popping up. Ignoring–not not acknowledging–but not putting energy there is a good strategy–not even putting the energy to fight it. Thanks.

  2. I appreciate your comments. It still amazes me how we are lulled into thinking sometimes that certain things are dead but they are just a sleep in the shadows and easily awakened. Thanks for traveling with me.

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